My lack of gaydar has cost me a lot of time and relationship failures in past years. It’s even become a laughing matter amongst my friends. Every time they hear I’m into someone they automatically ask if he’s gay. Sadly for me, he often turns out to be.
You’d think that missing a gaydar is only problematic when you’re gay, but no, it can be just as bad when you’re straight.
My long string of “intuition deficiency” induced stories started when I was 17. I spent a whole year with an extreme crush on a friend everyone seemed to know was gay except me. I finally got the message one day when we met for lunch. As I approached him (with a big smile) he hissed: “Go for a walk and don’t come back before at least 10 minutes. I think the guy sitting on that bench is going to hit on me”. That was how he told me. The only small consolation I had that day was when the guy on the bench’s girlfriend turned up.
I have since fallen in love with gay or bisexual men time and time again. I met my first bisexual boyfriend on holiday in the south of France. He worked in a hotel kitchen doing pastry but after hours he did stripteases in a nightclub where, well yes, I suppose there were a lot of male customers. Maybe that should have given me a hint. Or the fact that he always wanted to borrow my clothes.
Actually someone told me he was “à voile et à vapeur” (literally “in sail and steam” – French expression for bisexual), but my French wasn’t that advanced and l just thought that he liked to sail (duh!). Then one night we had dinner with two of his friends. He introduced the girl as “my ex-girlfriend” and the guy as “my ex-boyfriend”. And I finally got the message. It didn’t bother me. But the fact that the two ex’s were dating somehow did.
My second bisexual boyfriend cheated on me with a skater (clichés happen…). But to this day, he’s the best kisser I’ve ever met – and he taught me a lot. In my opinion though, bisexual men are not a good option. I have a tendency to be jealous. Having to be “double-jealous” is really too hard.
After my last (very recent) gaydar failure I did what I usually do and once again turned to my best friend (who’s gay) for advice. I mean, why can’t I learn to see if a guy is gay BEFORE falling in total obsession? What can I go by? After all, not all gay men like musicals, Cher and design objects – and a lot of straight men do.
My friend can’t really help me. Neither can any of my other gay friends. They all say they don’t have gaydars either. Or, well, they do, but theirs have a defect too: they assume that practically everyone is gay. And that kind of wishful thinking can lead to a lot of dispappointment too!
3 responses to “It’s a question of… having a gaydar”
What you need to find is a gay straight man. That’s a guy who is straight but exhibits a lot of the qualities that you enjoy in gay men: sensitivity, good taste in clothes/music/art, being in touch with their feminine side, etc…
At the end of the day, gay, straight or bi, or metro sexual, what you are looking for is a soul mate or a play mate who will respect you, and adore you, and not break your heart. So keep your eyes peeled, and don’t be afraid to try something new next time!
It’s very simple – that is, it’s complicated, as they say on Facebook. Only goes to show that the stereotypes are just that. The only thing you can do is ask around (discreetly, of course).
Sometimes it is the other way around.
My wife once asked me if my cousin was gay, and one of his female colleagues did not want to ask him out because she was certain he wasn’t hetero. Eventually she became his girlfriend. Unfortunately (for her) they later broke up but he is now happily married and has three kids.
I can’t tell with women. And European men are very tough to read.